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Timmy Gets Stuck Down a Well… Well, a Mine… and He Wasn’t Really Stuck

Last Friday night, the police station received an unusual call.

“Timmy is stuck down a well,” the caller said.

No, the caller wasn’t a dog named Lassie. She was one of the production assistants from the dating show that’s set to begin filming soon. Timmy Neidermeyer, 23, is one of hundreds of men who have poured into town over the last week or so to try out for a spot as a bachelor on the show, looking for love from a single woman of Fool’s Gold. Friday afternoon, he left a group of buddies to “take a leak down the well,” they said. When he didn’t return in time for Happy Hour, they became concerned. Apparently, Timmy never misses a half-priced drink.

“Idiots,” mutters Chief Alice Barns when recounting the incident. “It wasn’t a well. He wandered into the abandoned gold mine. Evidently, he didn’t see the ‘Danger’ and ‘Keep Out’ signs. This is the caliber of men that show is bringing to town. Do we really want these guys to stick around and – God forbid – to procreate?!”

The police called in Max Thurman, owner of K9Rx, who went into the mineshaft with one of his dogs. They found Timmy around a bend just 20 feet from the mine’s entrance, crying and curled into the fetal position.

Psychologist Dakota Hendrix, who is vetting contestants for the show, assures the Fool’s Gold Daily Republic that Timmy will not make the cut. “There are some intelligent, sane, handsome men in the mix. They’re not all Timmies.”

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